NYJK's

"Hope is a waking dream" - Aristotle

 

 Book 6, Chapters 9 through 12.

 

Anniversaries are very funny things. Some draw admiration and love, some inspire and some draw reflection. It has been one year since I made my changes and moved away from my home. It has been one year since I met my new character and one year since she became much more than a passing aquaintance. However it has been six years since I last saw my sister and I finally met the young woman for the first time in her new incarnation.

 

Firstly I will apologise for my absence here. With the way my life was I found myself in a position that I thought I had said all I wanted to say. I never wanted to feel like I was saying things just for the sake of it. With that in mind I decided to take a new direction with expressing myself, it just didn't work out the way I had hoped. I feel no regret, if you do not try to change things then you can never learn. Dispite that I am back at a space that has helped me grow more than any other tool I have used. An outlet for my digressions and thoughts that has given me a great opportunity for reflection and to deal with my emotions. I am back and find that I have as much to say as I ever did, just about things I thought I had forgotten or resolved. I hope that you will share my feelings and thoughts in the way you used to.

 

My sister. It feels longer than six years, much longer. Through no choice of my own I have had no contact with her since she was taken into foster care, but it feels as if the four hours that I saw her were barely 10 minutes. She is beautiful, but so much more than that. She is very strong willed and so determined to find a place for herself in this world. She is so determined to root out the people that are connected to her, so that she can have a family to call her own. It still astounds me, all this and she is only 11 years old. She has been moved around into at least six sets of homes, being let down in so many places but she is still so positive. She is so self aware, aware of her surroundings and the circumstances in which she has arrived in the position she is in. It feels strange to say that she inspires me. It does however draw so many parallels to the situation that me and my brothers found ourselves in all those years ago. We, fortunately, had our father to take us in when he could, she does not have that luxury. What she does now have is a foster family that will be there for her and having met the lady in question I am in no doubt that she is in safe hands. Now that I have contact, a fight that has taken five years, I will not lose contact again, not that I think she will let that happen anyway! I cannot wait to see her again.

 

As I breifly mentioned, I have just celebrated one year with my new character. Not that I can call her a new character anymore! Maybe it is the fact that she still feels brand new, it is and still feels so exciting to be with her. As I settle into life living with her I know that it is right sharing my life in her presence. She continues to be too good to me and I love her more each day for that. I woke this tuesday to find she had gone out and got things to make me a proper full english breakfast, yet she saw this as nothing but doing what she thought she should! Her eyes are still so inspiring, but nothing more so than that smile. That smile still draws me in and keeps me warm.

 

Work has been very interesting, but not for the work reasons! I made the choice to leave the company that had employeed me for the past seven years. I found that I was very annoyed and angry with a restructuring within the stores, not for the restructure itself, but for the lack of communication the people that it directly affected recieved. I was one of those people. Within the scope of this restructure I got to keep my job, infact it happened to be a promotion. I just felt very neglected and decided to look outside the group for a future career. It was very tough, but I found a great new opportunity, said my goodbyes and prepared to go. As I worked out my notice I actually then recieved the feedback and reassurance I was looking for. Even more than that; they approached me to stay and offered me the position I had wanted since I had moved up here. The one deciding factor for me was that someone took such a personal interest in my development and potentional. With that I decided to stay, just in a new store in better circumstances and this person has now become my boss and mentor. I feel very fortunate and blessed to have had that support, even if it was later than I hoped.

 

In the meantime the band has popped into the studio and we have recorded an album and two extra tracks. It was an exciting and demanding couple of sessions and such a fantastic experience and so good to work with people as creative as we did. We were ambitious as ever, deciding to lay down the tracks in full, 11 tracks in 6 days for the album and two tracks in one day for the extra ones. A learning curve if ever there was one, it also got us to really look at what we wanted out of the band situation. A few serious discussions resulted and from this we are more determined and focused. To say I was proud of the results is not fair, just pop over to our myspace to listen to a sample. I hope you like it as much as I do, my favorite is a track called No Going Back.

 

 

Book 6, Chapter 8.

 

I feel old. I know that it's a bizzare statement for someone as young as me to make, but I do. Throughout my varied and diverse childhood I have experienced enough to fill a whole lifetime, but I have never felt old until now... I am now an Uncle. Strange as it may seem but my little brother and his girlfriend now have a beautiful baby boy and it puts me in the position of facing the inevitable: I am growing up. As my drama queen side of me will scream 'thats me out to pasture!'. It leaves me to congratulate those two and I wish them all the luck in the world.

 

This chapter has been a long one, but filled with much. My house won't be broken up as I thought, just one person moving on to her new book, I'll miss her but she has to live her life the way she wants! The relationships are carrying forward as swiftly as ever and I still enjoy most of my time in this part of the world! I still miss my friends back home, I still need a better challenge in my work life but my love life is as steady as It has been. Dispite fears of loosing her it continues to grow in the most exciting directions and I will soon choose to to share an even bigger part of my life with her. We will  be looking for a house together, as scared as I thought I would be I am not frightened at all. I just find that I am filled with excitement at the thought of living with this wonderful girl that has captured my imagination. It's the hardest thing I have had to do in my life is to stop thinking with my head and just follow my heart. I will probabily always think about things, my mind never seems to stop, but I have genuinely been more excited just letting go and taking a chance.

 

It's not just becoming an uncle that ages me prematurely, I now also have to wear glasses! For me this is especially bitter in that when I was in my teens I had 20/20 vision. I have been the mixture of classic tantrums saying 'but I don't wanna!' and the inevitable acceptance of what I need to do. The eye test was straightforward enough and it really did make me realise how fuzzy my sight was getting. It turned out that I will have to wear them for driving and watching tv etc. It's not all bad really, In truth I quite like them! It must be something about a set of glasses that makes you feel smarter, or that people will respect you more! The shoulders puff out. It helps that my girl thinks I look good in them, always good for that male ego!

 

My dad is getting married. He has been with his girlfriend for well over 6 years now and the time has come for the ultimate sacrifice! I think it has been prompted by Dunster Castle opening their grounds to weddings. That and the fact that my dad's girlfriend is always said that she wanted to be married by the time she is fourty. They have the date booked in for August 2007, one month before that momentus age; I think we know who wears the trousers! Since my dad has met this wonderful women the change in him has been phemominal. The once grumpy old man became happy and content. It is still a surprise how much just meeting the right person will change you. He's still old, but now he has a spring in his step. I'll just have to keep reminding him that he's now a grandad, bring him back down to earth! It came as a great surprise to me that he asked me to be his best man. I have always appreciated the support he has shown me in my adult life and it comes as a great honour to be able to repay him in some small way. I wonder if I will be wearing a matching tux?!

 

In three days I will be 23, the beginning of the end of the early twenties. The planned celebration is to have a house party, inviting people from all aspects of my life. It'll be the first time I have really celebrated my birthday. It makes quite a change for me to really say, hey it's ok to age. It's just an excuse to kick back and relax, there is always time for that! In reality I am a young man, with so much to look forward to. I have my best years ahead of me and I intend to enjoy them. The 9th will be celebrated with my wonderful girlfriend and I will make the most of the 20th! One hell of a party is in order!

 

JK

"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt." - William Shakespeare

 

Book 6, Chapters 6 and 7.

 

I slip and fall for the third time, taking my companion with me for this one. I still find it surreal to believe that I am in central park, ice skating under floodlight. The backdrop is quite breath taking; One side seems like an infinate maze of trees and fields and the other a dence block of shapes with lights. I laugh wih this amazing girl as we help each other up of the cold ground. New York, ahhh... I spent this trip trying to get to know this place. I spent time walking through this park and the tourist haunts. However I was determined to see another side. Flicking down to the village, little italy and soho we spent more time in these areas than in the middle block where our hotel sat; athough there was an amazing bar not that far there. It's a strange feeling of isolation dispite the fact I was on an island with at least 8 million people. They say thats the determination of the New York way. The gritty resolve to keep going no matter what happens. I was a really great holiday with my girl. I get a feeling that it wasn't what she expected and was a little disapointed. I hope she still enoyed her time with me.

 

I'm feeling very strange at the moment. I'm not quite sure exactly how to put where are am in the frame of things but I feel so unsure of everything. Recent events have changed perspectives. I was very sure that my old relationships were on new and better grounds but with the way things have unfolded it gives me that brand new 'carpet swept from feet' feeling. Lives have to move in different directions, thats part of growing up. It's difficult sometimes to move forward when the past is still there to remind you. Trying to fit that in to a new life sometimes doesn't work, ties have to be cut. If I am not destined to be in someones life that is just the way things are, I hold no grudges.  I suppose honesty has something to do with that, that's all I really ask from people. I would rather someone was honest and told me something, even though it may hurt in the short term. Finding out myself by chance is worse, that hurts even more. It just feels like they had no respect for me, even so I can't help but think I meant very little. 

 

I'm not sure if I feel at home here anymore. I feel unsettled again, like i'm flitting between comfort and just existing. The house will soon be broken up with people moving in their new directions, it leaves me not knowing what direction I want to take. A thought crossed my mind to move back south west. I don't want to give up what I have here, but I don't know if what I have is what I want. I set out to meet new people and have all these new adventures; I just feel like i'm stalling. My adventures aren't what I imagined. My work is not everything I wanted, I want my old job travelling the country, a new store every week, I met so many people and life felt like a mile a minute. I find it harder and harder to find time to fit eveything in. As I say I haven't been crazy busy like I used to but I did more back then. I like it that I have had the time to take things easier. But now I have that time to think the drive and ambition to experience as much as possible has faltered. Time hasn't stopped, I can't tell you where these last months have gone but that feeling isn't the same pulsating rush that I had from not knowing what was round the corner. It must be the honeymoon period is over and I have a comfort zone. I sort of know whats happening and it's not quite the same.

 

"Just because fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential." -  Les Brown

 

Book 6, Chapter 5.

 

Time really means nothing at the moment, I mean where has the last month gone? I find it all a blur and I seem to be grasping at the minutes trying to keep hold of a few more! The days seem to be filled with twists and turns to keep me on my toes. The start of this month was a bizzare mix of certainty and disillusionment. I felt so settled with my new character but I had the unheaval of a car crash. Unfortunatly the next twist was expected but had been late in coming.

 

My mother. It is so hard to discribe the realtionship I have with her without going into my past in a great deal. However I will reveal a slice to try and make sense of what I am about to say. She is a long term heroin addict; She is very ill now with her immune system shut down she has several severe infections. She took a turn for the worse whilst in hospital and caused a situation where she was so abusive to the staff and refused treatment at all oppertunities that she was thrown out of the place that was trying to help her. Her mind is so addled with the drugs that she barely sees sense or logic, she only sees what suits her story. She spins her story that everyone is out to get her and she is being set up. I have become so cynical of her and I hate myself for it, but it's the only way I can detach myself from watching her slowly kill herself one needle at a time. She has been sent home with medication to 'make her comfortable'. I have found it so frustrating since the age of 5 being so aware of the distructive nature of her addiction and being able to do nothing. I am now in the situation of waiting for her to die, her death has been a long time in the making.

 

Dispite the backdrop I have had a very positive month. I'm more settled that I have ever felt, my new character is more than I had hoped. I seem to find that she is more amazing every day. After being my angel I had the chance to look after her for a while, only a bug but I could be her nurse now... don't worry, I wouldn't wear a costume! Her determination that she was fine was nothing less than I expected from her, defiantly she tried to battle through but she did me proud and took a little time of to rest. We seem to be settling into some form of comfort zone. But that just seems to be more exciting to me than the first inital rushes of blood. The relationship still feels fresh and envigorating but I have never felt this way before, I still find it hard to put into words what I really mean or want to say. We travel to New York for our first holiday together; Part of two weeks of just us, no distractions but the places we choose to vist! I really hope it snows like it did the last time I was there!

 

Work is dragging me down still. With every chance it takes advantage of me. I get deflated just walking through those doors. I have no idea what directon I want to go with any career I choose, but I just want to enjoy what I do. I know it is asking alot but I just want to wake up in the morning and not mind the fact i'm going to work. I know that I do need to change my attitude though. I am letting myself down at the moment, I always try to take pride in whatever I am doing but i'm not even really trying; just going through the motions. I decided that I will just try and look at the positives and keep myself busy, you never know when an epiphany will hit you! I have my new car now, a more powerful and slightly bigger one than the last. Lets hope I don't roll this one into a ditch!  I am still moving forward with hope and passion. I will take the chances that come my way and will try to make the best of the worst situations. Lets hope I continue to grow!

 

JK

 

"Now is the only time there is. Make your now wow, your minutes miracles, and your days pay. Your life will have been magnificently lived and invested, and when you die you will have made a difference." - Mark Victor Hansen

 

Book 6, Chapters 3 and 4.

 

Where did the year go? I look at the calender and it says 2006. The year has not so much as let me catch my breath, nor let me stand still. I look back and I can't believe the year I have had... Maybe that is why it all seems a blur. I see it all as a slideshow... The defining moments of an amazing year.

 

The slideshow starts - February: It's me and the ex in central park, New York. a strange feeling between us; it's tence yet friendly. I think we already know in our hearts it's over, though we don't want to face it. The holiday is like a final testiment to a challenging and important relationship. It Continues - April: It's over. The flicking pictures of the next month, the hurt and the understanding pass quickly; The mind helps protect us, we remember that it did hurt but sometimes it helps not to dwell. June: This was the most important month for me in 2005. Not because of any event but because of the changes I made - the promises. This was my moment of truth. Glastonbury flickers in and out of the mind, an experience I will never forget. Rolling between frames it stops on the next month - July. The new job, the person I became because of it. The friends I made and continue to grace me with their presence in my life. I didn't really imagine how defining it was until now. The months fade in as the slides gain pace, the picture of my empty rooms and the sight of my new house develop into the mind. The next time it stops is the very end of October - The new character. I remember how I floated for the rest of the day as this person came into my life. The next month passed as if was only seconds. This isn't a bad thing in anyway, whirlwinds have to be fast! You can't be swept off your feet unless the gust is long and quick! December is here already, A fantastic christmas, A car crash and a wonderful new year.

 

It seemed as if as I was to end the year in a far less positive note than I had wanted, however I am filled with hope instead. It was snowing and it was icey... all the proper ingredients for a decent crash. As I started to loose control I realised that it would end with my car in the ditch, the strange thing was the feeling of calm and acceptance. The slow motion effect of all those life affecting moments came into force. The car cascaded into the roll. As it stops on it's roof I look around, I check myself for those bumps and bruises... two arms, two legs. Large bump on head. Shoulder nicely bashed. I'm ok. The belt opens with strange ease and I crouch on the roof of my car between the seats. "Hello, is everyone in the car ok..." I kick the back windscreen on it's new left hand side. POP... I clamber into the ditch. The air is nice and crisp. The lady who had stopped checks me over, dispite my protests that i'm ok. The kindness of strangers, three people stopped when they saw me loose control. Even more slowed down and checked that everything was ok or if there was anything they could do. It gives me faith in random acts of kindness. It is said that strangers do not care about strangers. I cannot believe that, even if it is only the few that show it.

 

From all this comes the most poignant reminder of how lucky I have been to have found my new character. She has been faultless. Without effort or force she has looked after me like no one else before. Amazingly I let her and I actually took the time to rest, it's the first time in a long time I have let someone take care of me; More importantly it's the first time I have wanted to be taken care of. I never asked for anything yet she did it all. From the small things like making me a warm mug of tea, to the huge gesture that she rescued me from the roadside without me needing to ask. I could not have asked for more, she went beyond the call of the girlfriend. She has been my angel. As I look into her eyes each day she seems to become more beautiful. She is never more so than when she smiles. That smile will be the death of me. I spent the midnight hour on the 31st with her. I brought this year to life the way I mean to continue: with her in my arms and warmth in my heart. The house party we went to in brighton was always going to be interesting... I got to meet her friends. I just wanted to make a good impression for her. I felt uneasy to start, it was expected I suppose. But the night wore on and my friend mr Jack was helping me along the way. They really are amazing and I can see why they mean so much to my girl. I hope I did her proud.

 

My mind now drifts back to the new year. I have so much to look forward to. I have an amazing relationship that is more than I dreamed for. 2005 gave me the strength not only to make promises but to keep them. I have kept all those promises I made to myself, those were my resolutions. So as I venture further forward into my new book I only make this one continued pledge: Be honest, be humble, be faithful; but above all be passionate. Here is to this amazing new year, may it bring hope and happiness to all.

 

JK

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind; and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." - William Shakespeare

 

Book 6, Chapter 2.

 

Whirlwinds are funny things; You never know where it will go, nor when it will end. For me this whirlwind has taken me further than I had hoped but it hasn't quite finished with me yet. This chapter has been so quick. It only feels like yesterday that this girl asked me for a drink, yet I sit here next to her seven weeks on turning a new page. This girl... This feeling I get with her next to me... I feel so safe. But the question I have is do I fall from my guard? Do I let someone new have my heart to look after?

 

Work: I've now been at my new job for six weeks. At this place I face a challenge i've never come across in my working life: I really don't want to be there. After the fantastic experience of being on the road and being in control of my own projects I am back in the same place day after day. I have customers to scream at me again and I have the feeling of being trapped, the same building every time. It is like a step back, problem is I knew that day was coming, I had to finish that project and I had to go back to a store. I have only ever worked for this one company and the fear is that I will go somewhere new and i'll find it even worse! It's frustrating; I think my future lies somewhere else.

 

Anyway, I have settled in so well at my new house. I have a great set of people I live with and my room has become very well shaped. I can't believe It's nearly christmas. The decorations have gone up in the front room and the cards are displayed infrequently around the place. I'm actually starting to eat properly now! Now I'm cooking for people I make an effort instead of settling for junk! I've been out in the local pub a couple of times and danced my way around the Oxford nightlife (dodgy dancing involving a suit and a shared bottle of jack!). I feel justified in my idea to move. It's everything I wanted, it feels like home.

 

The decision I made to be open and honest has really been a journey of discovery, it all started with a broken heart. I find myself now with it healed and ready to use but I am never sure how long is too long and how quick is too quick! Maybe I shouldn't question it and just accept things will be what they are. More than likely though I will think about it over and again. The fact of the matter is that I feel as if this is a new chapter; I have this amazing person that wants to be with me and I am happy to spend as much time as I can getting to know her. Do I let myself fall? I don't think I have a choice in the matter anymore!

 

Smitten, JK